This will be a year of 11 months.

I missed October.

Normally, October is one of my favorite months. Even the dates inexplicably have a numerological significance to me. John Lennon and my nearest neighbor as a kid, Matt, were born on 10.9. Ten, nine. Columbus Day - 10.12. It will always be 10.12 and not the second monday of the month for me (Apologies to any native americans reading this, but I'm italian. I can't help it if it's a great day to party in north beach). My birthday is in there somewhere, 10.21. Even if you don't think there's anything special about the numerals - 10.31 -, you can't deny Halloween is THE big fun holiday.

There's more reasons I love October. It's the quintessential transitional month. Summer into fall - Oct is the covered bridge between the two best seasons. Daylight savings back to standard daylight time-keeping. Plants beginning to go dormant; to die.

And appropriately, that's how I missed out on October this year. Death. Sofa pretty much blew this month right off the calendar for me.

But we're not here to bring you down! We're here to say I have an entire month I'm going to try to enjoy, by cramming it all into the one last day; tomorrow, halloween.

But how to do it?

We don't have any halloween decorations up. I believe I am dealing with sofa's death very well now; but putting out skeletons and gravestones? That's far too crass, even by my standards.

Instead, I've decided we should have lots of pumpkins this year. That's nice and October-y. Maybe carve a couple of jack-o-lanterns, which is something we don't normally do. Big orange fruit is appealing enough in their complete form.

I have noticed all the neighbor kids around here are very well behaved....

...which means it's up to me
to be smashin'
my own pumpkins.

The latest (last?) Joe Strummer release...

...is awesome. This one is for the soul survivors, who need reminding rock and roll will never die. Or, as he says in Arms Aloft (in Aberdeen) - "May I remind you of that scene?" Way to go Joe. Let's siphon some gas and get this show on the road.

---

Here's a sketch of Sofa, by Ken Charon, of Hilo. Click on the thumb for a full size scan.

Hilo - and Hilo people - are the best.

Souls are on the mend. More in a few days. I'm in San Diego right now, inhaling smokey air, while trying to catch up on some work. I should still be in Hilo...

Now with the Elliot Smith news, I'm trying desperately not to turn this blog into the suicide monologues.
Anyone have a vagina they'd like me to write about?

So now, we move along.

Sofa and I discussed so many things. What a gift for the gab. And I thought I was the obnoxiously verbose one. We covered so much waterfront. His skew on things was inevitably unique. But he always couched his opinions with a genuine humility. Even when he was indubitably correct about something, he never lorded it over you.

But you all know that.

OK, I just thought of one exception.

Lots of musicians have shared how supportive and encouraging he was to them. But with me, he was brutally blunt. “Oh, dean, that is giving me a headache. Stop now.” Hey, I know I suck. So I take it as another indication of our friendship that he felt comfortable enough to freely speak his mind to me. Am I rationalizing again? ;-)

But we never discussed suicide, in any serious manner. Even though he knew I knew about his past, only one time did we talk about his institutionalization.

If you want to hear some of our 2001 holiday outtakes, there's one song called I Want A Hearse For Christmas. At the time, we laughed at the irony and the wicked humor in it. But it was his song. Makes me think he was trying to talk to me about it, afterall.

Perhaps I unconsciously gave off a strong 'don’t go there' vibe. Or maybe he was drawing a little life-sustaining energy from me. I’m not trying to be smug. In fact, if I am, it’s utterly without merit. He did ultimately check out, after all. So much for my ability to influence; to make you feel the happy happy joy joy.

It may also have been partly because, well, we all are fragile and susceptible at times. He saw some of my times. Watching me struggle with the dotcom dying. Then, even harder, struggling to figure out what came after that. I’m extremely fortunate in love, but I am also at - that tired old cliché - the midlife crossroad. I can’t help but be a cliché every now and then. We both had our good days and our bad days. Perhaps part of our bond was we both knew what it felt like to have something eating away at your insides. And the need to keep that exterior shining brightly, regardless.

When he was leaving for Hawaii, I admit to a twinge of worry. He dropped a few statements like, “I’m going to be doing a lot of hiking out there and probably won’t be answering the phone, or email.” I would answer him with a suggestion for a trail to take. So much for my sensitivity. In hindsight, it is easy to speculate his leaving for Hawaii (or leaving for California, even earlier) was the preliminary step towards his final departure. But when he got out there, or here, he found new excitement. New stimulation. Drats, foiled again.

Only, he did get it “right,” eventually.

I know it’s pitiful, pointless and wrong to continue to agonize over the what-ifs. So I won’t. I’m pretty much through that phase. Like Anne said, I know he knew we all loved him. She speaks the truth – he just didn’t love himself enough. To his defense though, I’d qualify that, a little, by saying he didn’t think all that much about this physical plane anyway. His spirituality had room for a future reincarnation. He could appreciate the concept that nothing is important. Is that self-loathing, or an enlightened sense of existence? I think the proper Zen answer to that is “Or Not.”

We’ll be going to Hilo this weekend.
Aloha - in both senses of the word.
Hello and Goodbye.

I have to apologize for the bad poetry over the past few days. And now I have to apologize because it's never right to write when drunk. But tonight I needed to write that I miss a very, very dear friend of mine, who decided to leave this world last thursday.

Sofa/Noel Cross, was a lovely, amazing, wonderful, person. This is the first time in 4 days I can speak about him in the past tense. I guess that's progress.

I may understand why he decided to do this, or maybe not. In any event, I know it's fundamentally wrong. He fucked up.Yet I also can't stop telling myself I fucked up much worse than he, by not making sure he understood how much he meant to me. Maybe that wouldn't have made any difference. But maybe, at the very least, he hated to feel guilty....

damn, sofa, why didn't you feel some fucking guilt?

it's so pointless.

I have to read this again.

And this.

Love Everyone Now.
Please.

One amazing fellow I know
fills drawers.
he does it all the time
and he does it well.

why didn't he, of all people, understand how busy he was?
and how wonderful the work is?

serenity and occupation.

why couldn't I do something?
why couldn't I see the effort?
why couldn't I have lightened the load?
why did he insist to do it all himself?
why am I thinking about me?

I can't stand this.
file it away, until tomorrow

Long day?

Me too. Try this.

And if that doesn't do it, you might want to go here.

Meanwhile at the Vatican Saint Factory…

Since the 16th Century, when the modern saint-making process began, there have been approximately 300 saints declared.

But in Pope John Paul’s 25 year papacy, he has declared more saints (477) than all 264 popes before him combined.

Guess who is thinking he’s a shoo-in?
Thanks to Jared for this inspirational pic.

Friday

Enough politics.

~~~

Now what do I have to say?

~~~

Memo to self: always have an alternative subject, when you drop another.

~~~

It is Friday. That should be enough, eh?

It is the dawning of the age of Austrian accents

it's not a tumor
it's not a rumor
The Terminator
has come to town.

The Bay Area proves, yet again, it stands alone. 65% against the recall, whereas the rest of the state was basically 65% for it. Makes one mildly paranoid about taking too many day trips out of the neighborhood.

LA County was 51/40, for/against. Lot's of actors down there, it seems.

It was weird - and disappointing - to see all the Shivers and Kennedys on stage with Arnold during the victory speech. Sergant Shiver. Remember him? 1972 VP candidate with George McGovern? Either this is proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that the two party system is truly a joke, or Maria Shiver is one hella (I used 'hella' two days in a row. yay me) persuader with her family.

During the televised celebration, Shiver went to hug his wife, Eunice, from behind. I'm pretty sure I saw him cop a feel. Like father-in-law, like....

One of the local stations interviewed ex govenor Pete Wilson. Smug. Bustamante now goes back to being Lt Guv. I really think that guy is a toad, for some reason. Camejo was curiously elated. That guy's on Lithium.

Gray Davis was not a well-liked man. And now, he's Cally-forn-yah's Caesar.

Rock the vote

In the comments here, there's been some discussion that Moveon.org may have overstepped the limits of their 'charter,' by buying ads that point out some of Ah-nold's past with women.

Should I take umbrage with their actions? On one hand, it is low. The kind of mud-slinging you'd normally expect from the other side. So, sure, they aren't so pure on this one.

But then I consider the bigger picture. What is happening to our democracy? The impeachment was partisan. The Florida vote counting fiasco was a pure power grab. Now, this recall - it completely undermines the democratic process. I don't care about the Democrats. I care about Democracy.

Frankly, I think MoveOn is doing the only thing they possibly can do, to stop this recall. And stopping the recall is good for democracy. Which is their charter.

Ah-nold is a big boy - he can take the heat. And he's got his millions to help dampen the pain.
But our democracy is entirely too fragile right now. And broke.

VOTE HELLA NO~

Dis is fahn-tastic stuff, Maria! Get Rush ovah heeah!

Come next Tuesday, at 4:20, guess what Ah-nold will be doing... ahnd stuff like dat.

McIntyre Campaign Update

As you know, Dan McIntyre is running for the recall govenorship. Deciding that a 1 week visit to California easily qualifies him to govern it, he will be making appearances, up and down the west coast, next week.

To support his candidacy, we are volunteering to sponsor a visit for the McIntyre troupe to wine country a week from Saturday. Our political bandwagon will be departing san mateo in the morning, around 10am, to rendevous with the next California Governor and his family, at their San Francisco hotel. Anticipating the traditional brush off from Willie Brown, we will instead motor north, having lunch at the Greystone Culinary Academy. After a proper gastronomic polling, we will visit one, or two, wineries. A private tour has been arranged, for The Honorable Dan, at Sullivan Vineyards. This is one of the very few Irish run wineries - whisky being far too much trouble for them to make. Next, we will stop in at the Martucci, er, Arger-Martucci Vineyards (have to work on that name); just to keep it in la famiglia. Finally, no Napa campaign visit is complete without a short speech to the assembled throng at Calistoga's Old Faithful Geyser. The sleeping goats will no doubt be stirred out of their nacrolepsy, by the rousing reaction of the crowd, to Mac's inspirational tales of groping starlets on rowdy Hollywood movie sets.

Be there and vote YES for Dan.
Dan is The Man, who Can Can.
Why can't we, if we wanna, you know we Can Can.

(BTW, is Election Day, this coming Tuesday, or the following? Someone, anyone, have a calendar? Is Dan late?)

A racist *and* a junkie

Are we sure he never did time in the Big House?


Oh, I know everyone in blog-land and the greater collective gossiping universe, is buzzing about Rush's double news whammy. Leaving the ESPN brouhaha alone, I'm more tickled by the Rush Limbaugh's addiction to hillbilly heroin story.

It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.



By the way, Rush's reported med monkeys, include:

- Hydrocodone
Anti-cough agent and painkiller similar to morphine. Side effects include anxiety, poor mental performance, emotional dependence, drowsiness, mood changes, difficulty breathing and itchiness.

- Lorcet
Brand name for the combination of Tylenol and hydrocodone, prescribed for moderate to severe pain. Side effects include dry mouth, nausea, vomiting, decreased appetite, dizziness, tiredness, muscle twitches, sweating and itching.

- OxyContin
Potent time-release medication for relief of moderate to severe pain, known as hillbilly heroin because of black-market popularity in some rural areas. Side effects include drowsiness, dizziness, sweating, muscle twitches and decreased sex drive. A large dose can be fatal.

Three No's & a Yes

Arianna's full statement on withdrawing from the race is here.

It's a shame our system isn't truly open to third parties and independents. But, in the interests of keeping Ah-nold out, I guess she's doing the right thing.

Her final salvo, as she calls it, is vote "Three NO's and a YES!"

1 -- NO on the Recall.
2 -- NO on Schwarzenegger.
3 -- NO on Prop 54.

And YES! on the Clean Elections Ballot Initiative