Monday, June 21, 2004

I luv I luv I luv my little calendar girl

Or, how a midsummer's night dream illuminates the titanic battle between Neil Sedaka & Madonna/Esther (To Sample or Not To Sample, Tis The Question subtext).

I inevitably celebrate solstices and equinoxes by thinking about the calendar. June 21 is particularly auspicious, because I luv I luv I luv my little summer. I've often felt we ought to reset the start of the seasons to align with Terra meteorological realities. Shouldn't we think of this as either Midsummer, or, the middle of summer? To add confusion, the two are not synonymous - if summer is defined as the warm time of year - because of the delayed global heating effect. Still, it seems we're a bit late to the party by defining the beginning of summer as the summer solstice. Those in the southern hemisphere, you know how to adjust my sentences to align with your realities.

As an aside, thanks to wikipedia, I learned Midsummer, June 21, is also sometimes called "Litha". Interestingly, they write:

"Its use as the name for this holiday may trace back only to its appearance in J. R. R. Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Prior to that, "Litha" appears to refer to the entire summer season." Go JRR!

But back to the case. I submit Sedaka's mega feel-good-hit-of-the-summer wasn't necessarily about a masturbatory fixation with pinups. More likely Neil was hinting at his Neopaganist leanings. The Goddess is nothing if not the ultimate calendar girl. He celebrates her every day (every day) of the year. yeah, yeah, my hearts in a whirl... his lust in perfect alignment with the Wheel of the Year. Wheels turning, indeed.

And to what neopaganist sect does he most subscribe? This is more difficult to ascertain. However a hint does lie within the lyric. He invokes the name 'calendar girl' (i.e. Goddess) 5 times. This is strong evidence he is following the precept of The Pentabarf. In Discordianism, The Pentabarf is the set of 5 holy laws which all discordians must follow. It is:

1. There is no Goddess but Goddess and She is Your Goddess. There is no Erisian Movement but The Erisian Movement and it is The Erisian Movement. And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a Golden Worm.
2. A Discordian Shall Always use the Official Discordian Document Numbering System.
3. A Discordian is Required during his early Illumination to Go Off Alone & Partake Joyously of a Hot Dog on a Friday; this Devotive Ceremony to Remonstrate against the popular Paganisms of the Day: of Catholic Christendom (no meat on Friday), of Judaism (no meat of Pork), of Hindic Peoples (no meat of Beef), of Buddhists (no meat of animal), and of Discordians (no Hot Dog Buns).
4. A Discordian shall Partake of No Hot Dog Buns, for Such was the Solace of Our Goddess when She was Confronted with The Original Snub.
5. A Discordian is Prohibited from Believing What he reads.

I am also very sure Neil Sedaka eats hot dogs, sans bun. Neil is a Discordant.


Let us now turn to the Material Girl. Her recent embrace of the Kabbalah is not trendy Hollywood fadism. She's far too cool for that. But cool does not make right. Danger dwells in an improper understanding of the forces at work here. According to The Principia Discordia (of which we have sufficiently shown, for our purposes, Neil is well versed in), a motto of the Illuminati is:

Heute die Welt, morgen das Sonnensystem - (translated):
Today the world, tomorrow the solar system [is what we seek to dominate].

Madonna is nothing if not about world, nay, universal dominance. Read the lyrics to Ray Of Light, if you don't believe her ultimate goal is Illuminatic in scope. "She's got herself a universe," nuff said? It's obvious she would resort to the most powerful ancient forces available, to attain ultimate & everlasting Pop Goddess status.

Learned reader, I hear you saying, "But The Illuminati are notorious male chauvinists!" True, but there is one branch of this secret society that is not. It is the Ordo Templi Orientis.

Again, according to wikipedia: "O.T.O. was originally affiliated with European masonic organisations, although Crowley eventually cut all formal ties with Freemasonry—largely because of the integration of the Law of Thelema and the Order's equal acceptance of women. Today, O.T.O. still uses some Masonic symbolism and terminology...The primary goal of O.T.O. is to secure "the Liberty of the Individual and his or her advancement in Light, Wisdom, Understanding, Knowledge, and Power through Beauty, Courage, and Wit, on the Foundation of Universal Brotherhood."

The teachings of O.T.O. include:
* Thelema
* Magick
* Rituals
* Kabbalah!!

Do you see how it is all becoming clear? Madonna is now outed as an OTO!


For The Good Neil to survive her onslaught - and to also begin getting some airplay in the electronic music age - I suggest he refine his practice of Discordianism, to include some of the precepts of The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu, as implemented by the musical group, the JAMs.

As always, the wikipedia knows all: " The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu is one of the two protagonist 'secret societies' in the "Illuminatus!" series of books by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson. In the books, The JAMs are in a seemingly endless struggle for control of human culture, government and power with their enemies, the Illuminati. Whereas the Illuminati's tactics are to restrict, govern, control the populace, The JAMs' aim is to bring about anarchy and an end to any possibility of ultimate control.

The Justified Ancients of Mu Mu (the group)

In 1987, Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty, fans of the books, would adopt the name for their intended attack on the institution of the music industry in the UK, mirroring the (fictional) JAMs' gleeful political tactics of causing chaos and confusion by bringing a direct, humorous but nevertheless revolutionary approach to making records. The JAMs' primary instrument was the newly invented digital sampler, with which they would plagiarise the history of popular music, cutting chunks from existing works and pasting them into new contexts. An early and seminal influence in the development of sampling music in the United Kingdom, The JAMs notoriously and willfully ran afoul of copyright laws when they sampled large portions of the ABBA single "Dancing Queen".



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